Leaps and Bounds

I write this whilst not being in a rush to get to work, although I should be quite frankly running around in a headless-chicken like state wondering what the hell I am going to do when I turn up to work a good hour and a half late. But i’m not, because I have had to phone in sick. I don’t like phoning in sick to work, mainly because it’s about as scary as being a black man in the 1800’s telling your slave master that you won’t be turning up at the cotton fields today. It’s about as scary, thankfully similar punishments haven’t occurred as of yet. I had to call in because my sore throat/suspicion of tonsillitis has increased leaps and bounds in severity overnight. I woke up at 5am and thought someone had permanently rammed their fist down my throat. Nope, my tonsil had just turned into a slutty brute of swollen white mass. It’s a truly horrible thing to look at, let me tell you. If i was kind enough I would attach a HD photo of it, but alas, I am mean. I fell back asleep and awoke at 8:45 by my mum with a cup of tea (wonderful), but nothing had got better. Currently it hurts to talk so I am thoroughly enjoying writing this. And no way could I deal with working for 7 hours in an extremely hot floor constantly being hassled by middle-aged men looking for swimming shorts for their two-week holiday to Tenerife in June. My short shift at work yesterday was bloody unbearable enough.

Ten minutes after my entrance into work, I was asked to go and work down on the food hall for 45 minutes. One rule when you work at M&S; if you are asked to work down on foods, THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF IT. So I had to do it. So I contently rifled people through my till up until 6 o clock, when I had to go back upstairs. I rung the attention bell and asked if someone could replace me, the answer being ‘yes, sure, someone will be there in a just a minute so go back upstairs’. So i apologized to the customer at the front of the queue waiting to be served and told them someone would be there in just a second to serve them. The customer seemed fine with this so I went back up. At 7 o clock, my manager (I refuse to call her my boss) spoke to me and said that apparently the food manager wasn’t happy with me leaving a queue at the till. This is the last thing I want when I make an effort to come into work despite not being particularly well enough to be there in the first place. I was told to ‘not listen to what food staff say and wait until someone replaces you’. First of all, DON’T GET PEOPLE FROM OTHER FLOORS TO WORK DOWN ON FOODS YOU CRETINS, GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS AND SPEND A BIT OF MONEY ON EMPLOYING SOME MORE STAFF FOR FOODS. Second of all, if I am not meant to listen to staff on foods, then what is wrong and what is right? So the last hour I worked with a bit of a huff and a puff. I wish I could have blown the house down as well, but I couldn’t find it in me. Next time I will re-consider making any extra effort for that company, they amaze me with their disregard for staff morale and general well-being.

Another coffee.

From what I can gather, the majority of people I know don’t watch Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe. If not, why not? Possibly due to the complete lack of publicity for the programme, if you don’t follow @charltonbrooker on Twitter you probably would never even know it was on the television. Anyway, the video below is the best part of this week’s episode. If there was a mathematical formula or equation for TV news reports, Charlie Brooker has effortlessly deciphered it and condensed it into a two-minute video that anyone with more then three brain cells can easily understand. It is just one of those videos where you think ‘OMG it is funny because it is so true!’. And it is, it’s completely true, find me a news report where this basic method isn’t used, and then just shout it from the rooftops because no one else will really care. Watch this:

You will never watch news in the same way again, apart from knowing that the editors probably spend about ten minutes working and the rest of their shift eating biscuits and watching all the videos on Failblog whilst the crumbs from their biscuits fly out of their mouths all over their desks. In fact, they’ve probably developed some sort of computer algorithm that takes any news story and churns out a boring, same old same old report in the format of Brooker’s findings. Which renders the ten minutes of editors work, obsolete.

That is me done for now, I am downloading Serious Sam and Grand Theft Auto IV for the Xbox 360 to keep me sane whilst I struggle to swallow solid food, like a tiny bloody baby. x

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